TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from place. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let's have another area where American Adult men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Anyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a function becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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